morning slips into my bed. wake up so tired i feel dead. obsessive thoughts in my head, and i've already taken all my meds. the dawn feels like a sigh. i don't know if i'm alive. it's hard to tell as daytime becomes confused with night time. there's just never enough time. i'm always tired. it's hard to make the most of being so lucky when i feel like a ghost most of the time. we walk outside into the yard, get in the car and drive north. i used to love looking at stars, but i don't care anymore. exhale smoke to our eyes. so tired of life, so scared to die. i'm working every day now, $laving to a wage now. it drives me insane how hopeless i feel. i'm going to die someday, and that should be okay, because that's how it is. that's how it goes. and to combat feeling depressed, i take comfort in my smallness. i try not to fixate on this loss, but i can't help these thoughts…they happen every day now, in almost every minute. they happen when i want them, and when i don't. i'm missing, and these moments only make me lonely. they only make me wish i could go back home.